Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
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