I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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