I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
