Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
