Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Randomize
