she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
