the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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