i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
