Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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