It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
