I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
