I think I am morally bankrupt
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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