i wish there were pregnant emoticons
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
