my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
