Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
