My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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