He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I need moral support for this bender
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
