Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
