I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Randomize
