If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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