I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
