He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
