I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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