She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
