Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
