Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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