Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
