when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize