9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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