y did u give ur computer a hand job?
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize