can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
