Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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