Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
