if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
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