I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
