There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
