Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
