she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
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