nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
