Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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