It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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