yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
it hurts more in the daytime
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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