your parents love me but you hate me
She said her name was "party"
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
