I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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