we made out on top of his cat.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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