The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
