you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
