Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
