I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
