it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize