Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
it's like iHOP with fire
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
