I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
